This last year has been a extremely rough one. Realizing that my marriage was failing, a separation, divorce, being on my own for the first time in my life, dating, taking care of my kids and losing my closest and dearest friend has taken an extreme toll on me mentally and emotionally. I have tried to keep myself busy so I don't dwell on things that I can't change and look forward to the new path that is lying before me has been hard. I joined the local community theater in February, 2010 as an extra in a musical and then came back in the fall as a stage manager for this season. It has helped to keep me focused on something other than my life but eventually the emotional toll was affecting my relationships with family and friends.
My biggest struggle was accepting the fact that my closest friend, Ishka, ended her battle with bi-polar. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The emotions that I went through that day were so intense and painful. We had known each other for over 20 years and had become almost inseparable in the last three and half. It's kinda funny how people are in and out of your life as acquaintances and then you realize how much you have in common and become like sisters in matter of minutes.
Ishka, her husband and three children moved into the house on the opposite corner of the block my husband, children and I lived on. After a couple of months of them living there and our kids playing together at my house, I went down to talk to her. She was the same friendly girl I had known in school; kind, giving and beautiful. (I was always envious of her outer and inner beauty) What was only going to be a thirty minute conversation ended up being an all afternoon and eventually a barbecue with all our children and husbands. Within a few short weeks we were together every day. We told stories of our children and our married lives and she told me about her diagnosis and struggle with bi-polar. Things started making sense in why her children would tell me that she was sick or sleeping and why they played at my house everyday. I evenutally saw how bi-polar affected her and her family and how hard it was for her doctors to keep her on the right medications to control it. I felt such compassion towards her and became one of the few people in her life that was understanding and there for her. There were days when I became frustrated and annoyed with her "moods" and wanted to just break off our friendship but we had become so close and I loved her like she was my sister. The memories I have of her are imprinted in my mind and in my heart and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.
The day of her death is one I will never forget. I had began dating a man, Casey, a few months before and he had gotten to know her along with some of his friends. He had heard what happened before I did and called me with the news. At first I didn't believe it and thought he was playing a very cruel joke, but after a phone call to her sister I knew it was true. I speed through town to get to the hospital hoping in the back of my mind she would be okay but knowing she was already gone. When I got there, her sister was in the lobby with the rest of her family and I completely lost it. This woman, who was one of the closest people to me, who had been with me to support and love me for the last few years was gone. She had finally reached the point that she felt she was nothing more than a burden to her family and loved ones and wanted to give them the peace she thought they needed. To say I completely understand why she took her life would be a lie. In my rational mind I did, but as a mother, a friend and someone without bi-polar I couldn't. The pain and emptiness I feel will never compare to that of her husband and children. There isn't a day, a moment, a song, a scent or a sound that doesn't make me think of her. The dreams I have make me think that it is nothing more than a dream, but then I wake up and realize I will never hear her laugh, see her smile, listen to her beautiful singing voice or feel the undeniable faith that she had.
I have moments of extreme anger and guilt towards her for dying and leaving this earth. I want to call her and share with her my day and listen about her. I want her to stand with me when I find a man I want to marry, share in her's and my childrens accomplishments and watch them grow up together. I want her here during my darkest moments and me with her. A piece of my heart will always be missing since it went to heaven with her. I know I will never have anyone in my life like her again and that causes an aching pain that rarely goes away. But I know that in the end, I was blessed to have her in my life and how she opened my eyes to so many things and loved me unconditionally as I did her.
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