I wrote the beginning of this blog about a month ago and finished today....
It is so amazing how life can change so quickly. The people, place, feelings...etc. Just a week ago, my mom and I flew to Amarillo while my Dad was being transported to BSA Neuro Care Unit. He had been feeling bad the last month or so and we all thought it was just allergies and then the headaches became quiet intense last week. He finally decided to go to the ER and by some miracle the ER doctor decided to do a cat-scan and they found three tumors on his brain. So here we go off to Amarillo. Over the next few days they ran a multitude of tests and gave him meds for his headache. We finally were told a couple days ago that he had cancer that originated in the lungs and had moved to his liver, brain and adrenal gland. Also that it was stage 4. I never in a million years thought I would hear words that would tell me that I only had a short time left my dad and that we needed to contact the Red Cross and get my sister home from deployment.
I can't tell you the thoughts, emotions, and fear that I have been going through not only myself but also my mom. I am trying so hard to be her shoulder and do anything and everything I can to make sure she is rested and eating and being able to stay with Dad as much as possible. It will be a small relief when Dana arrives here tomorrow so I know when I go home for a day or so, someone will be here for Mom. My biggest hurdle right now is going to be telling my children, who adore their Papa Shoe to the moon and back, that he is sick and will only be with us for a limited amount of time. How do you do that? How do you tell them when you don't even want to accept that yourself?
August 20...
Yesterday I celebrated my 33rd birthday with my family and friends. It was a bitter sweet day, I enjoyed being spoiled for the day and taken out last night by my sister, her boyfriend and Casey. I had many laughs, a couple drinks and shed some much needed tears. I know you shouldn't cry on your birthday but half way through the night it dawned on me that it will be the last birthday I will get to celebrate with the man I have called my dad for the last 32 years.
Donnie is not my biological father but the man who stepped in when the "real" father didn't want to be in my life. We haven't always seen eye to eye and I had fought back when I found out that he wasn't my dad but I wouldn't change him being in my life, ever. His influences helped mold me into the person I have become; strong and independent.
The last month has been very difficult. There are so many things I want to tell Dad but don't know how to go about it. I just want to tell him how much I admire, love and look up to him but the words don't come out. I know it is something that I need to do a nd do soon. I just pray that they don't come too late.
