Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, March 22, 2012
A New Me!
I am on my own for the first time in my life. It has been the scariest but most rewarding two months of my life. I have begun to find out who I truly am deep down inside. I have learned who my true friends are and those who have just been there to use me. I have also meet quite a few new people. I have developed a deeper relationship with my children and grieved for a lost parent and friend. The last several years, months, and days have been hard but I have become a stronger daughter, sister, mother, friend and person through them all.
I am for the first time in a long time happy. I think in some ways I had forgotten what it was like to be truly happy, not just putting on a happy facade for everyone around me. I have laughed more and smiled more than I have since childhood. My stresses that I blamed on losing a best friend and my dad weren't because of them but because I couldn't let go of something that wasn't good for me. It took one very dark, painful moment to realize I needed to close a door and open a window.
Today I was spending the first day of Spring Break with my children. We slept in, had a lazy morning of watching tv and before we knew it we were still all in our pj's and it was four in the afternoon. My children were amazed and a little shocked to see their uptight mom not wanting to get up and rush around to clean house, make lunch or anything else. Instead the person in front of them was relaxed, enjoying a rainy day inside with them. I had told them everything that needed to be done could be done tomorrow. The smiles on their faces was all that I needed today. Today, I became the mom I had always wanted to be.
Through some old friends and new ones, I have found that each moment, every new memory, each breath I take is wonderful and blessed. They have helped unleash the true person I have been but been to afraid to show because I was supposed to be the responsible one, the strong one. I am still that person, only now I can be a little more happy, smile a little bigger, hug a little tighter and live more free.
Today, I realized I am beautiful, inside and out.
Today, I realized I am who I always knew I could be.
I am for the first time in a long time happy. I think in some ways I had forgotten what it was like to be truly happy, not just putting on a happy facade for everyone around me. I have laughed more and smiled more than I have since childhood. My stresses that I blamed on losing a best friend and my dad weren't because of them but because I couldn't let go of something that wasn't good for me. It took one very dark, painful moment to realize I needed to close a door and open a window.
Today I was spending the first day of Spring Break with my children. We slept in, had a lazy morning of watching tv and before we knew it we were still all in our pj's and it was four in the afternoon. My children were amazed and a little shocked to see their uptight mom not wanting to get up and rush around to clean house, make lunch or anything else. Instead the person in front of them was relaxed, enjoying a rainy day inside with them. I had told them everything that needed to be done could be done tomorrow. The smiles on their faces was all that I needed today. Today, I became the mom I had always wanted to be.
Through some old friends and new ones, I have found that each moment, every new memory, each breath I take is wonderful and blessed. They have helped unleash the true person I have been but been to afraid to show because I was supposed to be the responsible one, the strong one. I am still that person, only now I can be a little more happy, smile a little bigger, hug a little tighter and live more free.
Today, I realized I am beautiful, inside and out.
Today, I realized I am who I always knew I could be.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Reflection
My home is empty today and quiet. I don't normally get times like these and honestly, I like the chaos and noise. To me it means that the people I love are here spending time together and making memories.
Today, the quiet has me reflecting on my life; where I have gone, people who have passed through or stayed, and events that have shaped my life. I am a small town girl, through and through. Born and raised in the town I still call home. I come from a normal everyday, hardworking family. I am blessed to be the 4th generation woman in my family.
I am not perfect, far from it. I have made my fair share of mistakes, some I learned from and some I didn't. Do I regret those mistakes? Some, yes; others, no. Those things have shaped me into who I am today. I am stubborn, hardheaded and need to know when to put the filter on my mouth. I have said things that I never should have and can't take back. I wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. I can't always smile and act like everything is okay but I try. I have found that I can't always hide the worry, hurt, anger and stress. I have cried almost every day for the last 5 months.
There are things that I see and want for myself. I know that some are attainable and others are not, mostly because they are only realistic in fairy tales. I want to be happy, loved, wanted, cherished. Can I get those? Yes, but maybe not all at once and not by whom I expect it to be from.
I am learning something new everyday about myself. I have found that I have the family I could only have dreamed of, friends that through the years are still there. I have lost people that meant the world to me and were my heroes. There are those that have crossed my path that have only brought me down and I cherish that. I may have a wavering faith as of late, but I know that God has only blessed me.
Today, the quiet has me reflecting on my life; where I have gone, people who have passed through or stayed, and events that have shaped my life. I am a small town girl, through and through. Born and raised in the town I still call home. I come from a normal everyday, hardworking family. I am blessed to be the 4th generation woman in my family.
I am not perfect, far from it. I have made my fair share of mistakes, some I learned from and some I didn't. Do I regret those mistakes? Some, yes; others, no. Those things have shaped me into who I am today. I am stubborn, hardheaded and need to know when to put the filter on my mouth. I have said things that I never should have and can't take back. I wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. I can't always smile and act like everything is okay but I try. I have found that I can't always hide the worry, hurt, anger and stress. I have cried almost every day for the last 5 months.
There are things that I see and want for myself. I know that some are attainable and others are not, mostly because they are only realistic in fairy tales. I want to be happy, loved, wanted, cherished. Can I get those? Yes, but maybe not all at once and not by whom I expect it to be from.
I am learning something new everyday about myself. I have found that I have the family I could only have dreamed of, friends that through the years are still there. I have lost people that meant the world to me and were my heroes. There are those that have crossed my path that have only brought me down and I cherish that. I may have a wavering faith as of late, but I know that God has only blessed me.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
So many questions fill my head, so many of them left unanswered. I have heard people answer in response to question they don't know by saying "Google it!". Seems pretty simple and both parties get an answer to their puzzling questions. So should I just "Google" my unanswered questions? I don't believe that there would be answers to the things I want to know...Why my dad? How do we move on? What is our new normal? Will the void ever be filled?
Three months ago my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer after a trip to the ER for an unexplained headache. One week ago, he lost his short, brave fight.
Donnie isn't my natural father, but he became my dad when I was just a toddler. He has been my protector, adviser, parent, hero and later in life friend. I tease Dana about how I was the "choosen" child. He didn't have to treat me like his own flesh and blood, he just did. I remember short childhood memories of him hanging a tree swing, reading books to me at bedtime, coming home covered in grease and dirt and always so tired from his day that all he wanted to do was eat and rest, but always took the time to give me a hug. The first memory I have of knowing he wasn't my real dad was a painful one for both of us and changed our relationship for years to come. It was an issue that neither one of us knew how to fix or overcome until I was an adult. We started talking while playing a game of pool in Dad's garage, what was just light conversation turned into how much we care about each other and that no matter what he was my dad.
Dad was an awesome grandparent and all of my children called him "Papa Shoe". Later Hunter began calling him "Pops". I was told that the day Hunter was born Dad paced back and forth in front of my hospital room worried and scared (Hunter and I were both extremely sick and Hunter was a blue baby when he finally came into the world). The first time Dad held Hunter the look on his face was priceless. He smiled big and said he was so excited that he finally had a boy to do things with. Within a week, Mom and Dad were "kidnapping" Hunter and Dad was calling to see if Hunter to come over and play. He loved each one of the kids and enjoyed doing so many things with them like camping, working in the garage, four-wheeling in the field next to their home and convincing them to pick up pine cones in the yard.
The last three months we had with Dad are filled with so many memories. The thought of losing a parent who was still so young was hard to imagine or understand. I know the kids and I were in a state of denial till the end but we still made the most of the time we had. During his last two weeks Mom, Dana and I sat with him in the hospital talking of what was going on with our family and friends, watching TV, and reminiscing during the quiet times. It was so hard to leave each day not knowing what tomorrow would bring. There was never a morning that we didn't walk into his room with our eyes wide at the suttle changes in him during the night but managed to keep a smile on so he couldn't see the sadness and hurt in us.
I will always be grateful that I had those days with him, was able to hold his hand during his last hours, being able to tell him that I loved him and reminding him that he is and will forever be my hero and the man I was so fortunate to call "Dad". There is a huge hole left in our family, one that will never be filled, but the memories we have and cherish will keep us going. One foot in front of the other, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute till the day we get to see him again.
Three months ago my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer after a trip to the ER for an unexplained headache. One week ago, he lost his short, brave fight.
Donnie isn't my natural father, but he became my dad when I was just a toddler. He has been my protector, adviser, parent, hero and later in life friend. I tease Dana about how I was the "choosen" child. He didn't have to treat me like his own flesh and blood, he just did. I remember short childhood memories of him hanging a tree swing, reading books to me at bedtime, coming home covered in grease and dirt and always so tired from his day that all he wanted to do was eat and rest, but always took the time to give me a hug. The first memory I have of knowing he wasn't my real dad was a painful one for both of us and changed our relationship for years to come. It was an issue that neither one of us knew how to fix or overcome until I was an adult. We started talking while playing a game of pool in Dad's garage, what was just light conversation turned into how much we care about each other and that no matter what he was my dad.
Dad was an awesome grandparent and all of my children called him "Papa Shoe". Later Hunter began calling him "Pops". I was told that the day Hunter was born Dad paced back and forth in front of my hospital room worried and scared (Hunter and I were both extremely sick and Hunter was a blue baby when he finally came into the world). The first time Dad held Hunter the look on his face was priceless. He smiled big and said he was so excited that he finally had a boy to do things with. Within a week, Mom and Dad were "kidnapping" Hunter and Dad was calling to see if Hunter to come over and play. He loved each one of the kids and enjoyed doing so many things with them like camping, working in the garage, four-wheeling in the field next to their home and convincing them to pick up pine cones in the yard.
The last three months we had with Dad are filled with so many memories. The thought of losing a parent who was still so young was hard to imagine or understand. I know the kids and I were in a state of denial till the end but we still made the most of the time we had. During his last two weeks Mom, Dana and I sat with him in the hospital talking of what was going on with our family and friends, watching TV, and reminiscing during the quiet times. It was so hard to leave each day not knowing what tomorrow would bring. There was never a morning that we didn't walk into his room with our eyes wide at the suttle changes in him during the night but managed to keep a smile on so he couldn't see the sadness and hurt in us.
I will always be grateful that I had those days with him, was able to hold his hand during his last hours, being able to tell him that I loved him and reminding him that he is and will forever be my hero and the man I was so fortunate to call "Dad". There is a huge hole left in our family, one that will never be filled, but the memories we have and cherish will keep us going. One foot in front of the other, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute till the day we get to see him again.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Life Interrupted!
I wrote the beginning of this blog about a month ago and finished today....
It is so amazing how life can change so quickly. The people, place, feelings...etc. Just a week ago, my mom and I flew to Amarillo while my Dad was being transported to BSA Neuro Care Unit. He had been feeling bad the last month or so and we all thought it was just allergies and then the headaches became quiet intense last week. He finally decided to go to the ER and by some miracle the ER doctor decided to do a cat-scan and they found three tumors on his brain. So here we go off to Amarillo. Over the next few days they ran a multitude of tests and gave him meds for his headache. We finally were told a couple days ago that he had cancer that originated in the lungs and had moved to his liver, brain and adrenal gland. Also that it was stage 4. I never in a million years thought I would hear words that would tell me that I only had a short time left my dad and that we needed to contact the Red Cross and get my sister home from deployment.
I can't tell you the thoughts, emotions, and fear that I have been going through not only myself but also my mom. I am trying so hard to be her shoulder and do anything and everything I can to make sure she is rested and eating and being able to stay with Dad as much as possible. It will be a small relief when Dana arrives here tomorrow so I know when I go home for a day or so, someone will be here for Mom. My biggest hurdle right now is going to be telling my children, who adore their Papa Shoe to the moon and back, that he is sick and will only be with us for a limited amount of time. How do you do that? How do you tell them when you don't even want to accept that yourself?
August 20...
Yesterday I celebrated my 33rd birthday with my family and friends. It was a bitter sweet day, I enjoyed being spoiled for the day and taken out last night by my sister, her boyfriend and Casey. I had many laughs, a couple drinks and shed some much needed tears. I know you shouldn't cry on your birthday but half way through the night it dawned on me that it will be the last birthday I will get to celebrate with the man I have called my dad for the last 32 years.
Donnie is not my biological father but the man who stepped in when the "real" father didn't want to be in my life. We haven't always seen eye to eye and I had fought back when I found out that he wasn't my dad but I wouldn't change him being in my life, ever. His influences helped mold me into the person I have become; strong and independent.
The last month has been very difficult. There are so many things I want to tell Dad but don't know how to go about it. I just want to tell him how much I admire, love and look up to him but the words don't come out. I know it is something that I need to do a nd do soon. I just pray that they don't come too late.
It is so amazing how life can change so quickly. The people, place, feelings...etc. Just a week ago, my mom and I flew to Amarillo while my Dad was being transported to BSA Neuro Care Unit. He had been feeling bad the last month or so and we all thought it was just allergies and then the headaches became quiet intense last week. He finally decided to go to the ER and by some miracle the ER doctor decided to do a cat-scan and they found three tumors on his brain. So here we go off to Amarillo. Over the next few days they ran a multitude of tests and gave him meds for his headache. We finally were told a couple days ago that he had cancer that originated in the lungs and had moved to his liver, brain and adrenal gland. Also that it was stage 4. I never in a million years thought I would hear words that would tell me that I only had a short time left my dad and that we needed to contact the Red Cross and get my sister home from deployment.
I can't tell you the thoughts, emotions, and fear that I have been going through not only myself but also my mom. I am trying so hard to be her shoulder and do anything and everything I can to make sure she is rested and eating and being able to stay with Dad as much as possible. It will be a small relief when Dana arrives here tomorrow so I know when I go home for a day or so, someone will be here for Mom. My biggest hurdle right now is going to be telling my children, who adore their Papa Shoe to the moon and back, that he is sick and will only be with us for a limited amount of time. How do you do that? How do you tell them when you don't even want to accept that yourself?
August 20...
Yesterday I celebrated my 33rd birthday with my family and friends. It was a bitter sweet day, I enjoyed being spoiled for the day and taken out last night by my sister, her boyfriend and Casey. I had many laughs, a couple drinks and shed some much needed tears. I know you shouldn't cry on your birthday but half way through the night it dawned on me that it will be the last birthday I will get to celebrate with the man I have called my dad for the last 32 years.
Donnie is not my biological father but the man who stepped in when the "real" father didn't want to be in my life. We haven't always seen eye to eye and I had fought back when I found out that he wasn't my dad but I wouldn't change him being in my life, ever. His influences helped mold me into the person I have become; strong and independent.
The last month has been very difficult. There are so many things I want to tell Dad but don't know how to go about it. I just want to tell him how much I admire, love and look up to him but the words don't come out. I know it is something that I need to do a nd do soon. I just pray that they don't come too late.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
As my blog name says, I am beginning again. I am recently divorced and have three wonderful children from my marriage. I never pictured myself being single ever again in my life but after 13 years of marriage and almost a year later here I am. I can say that my ex-husband and I get along a lot better now then we had for the last few years of our marriage and we are both there for our children. I am glad that we were able to put behind our feelings for the children.
This last year has been a extremely rough one. Realizing that my marriage was failing, a separation, divorce, being on my own for the first time in my life, dating, taking care of my kids and losing my closest and dearest friend has taken an extreme toll on me mentally and emotionally. I have tried to keep myself busy so I don't dwell on things that I can't change and look forward to the new path that is lying before me has been hard. I joined the local community theater in February, 2010 as an extra in a musical and then came back in the fall as a stage manager for this season. It has helped to keep me focused on something other than my life but eventually the emotional toll was affecting my relationships with family and friends.
My biggest struggle was accepting the fact that my closest friend, Ishka, ended her battle with bi-polar. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The emotions that I went through that day were so intense and painful. We had known each other for over 20 years and had become almost inseparable in the last three and half. It's kinda funny how people are in and out of your life as acquaintances and then you realize how much you have in common and become like sisters in matter of minutes.
Ishka, her husband and three children moved into the house on the opposite corner of the block my husband, children and I lived on. After a couple of months of them living there and our kids playing together at my house, I went down to talk to her. She was the same friendly girl I had known in school; kind, giving and beautiful. (I was always envious of her outer and inner beauty) What was only going to be a thirty minute conversation ended up being an all afternoon and eventually a barbecue with all our children and husbands. Within a few short weeks we were together every day. We told stories of our children and our married lives and she told me about her diagnosis and struggle with bi-polar. Things started making sense in why her children would tell me that she was sick or sleeping and why they played at my house everyday. I evenutally saw how bi-polar affected her and her family and how hard it was for her doctors to keep her on the right medications to control it. I felt such compassion towards her and became one of the few people in her life that was understanding and there for her. There were days when I became frustrated and annoyed with her "moods" and wanted to just break off our friendship but we had become so close and I loved her like she was my sister. The memories I have of her are imprinted in my mind and in my heart and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.
The day of her death is one I will never forget. I had began dating a man, Casey, a few months before and he had gotten to know her along with some of his friends. He had heard what happened before I did and called me with the news. At first I didn't believe it and thought he was playing a very cruel joke, but after a phone call to her sister I knew it was true. I speed through town to get to the hospital hoping in the back of my mind she would be okay but knowing she was already gone. When I got there, her sister was in the lobby with the rest of her family and I completely lost it. This woman, who was one of the closest people to me, who had been with me to support and love me for the last few years was gone. She had finally reached the point that she felt she was nothing more than a burden to her family and loved ones and wanted to give them the peace she thought they needed. To say I completely understand why she took her life would be a lie. In my rational mind I did, but as a mother, a friend and someone without bi-polar I couldn't. The pain and emptiness I feel will never compare to that of her husband and children. There isn't a day, a moment, a song, a scent or a sound that doesn't make me think of her. The dreams I have make me think that it is nothing more than a dream, but then I wake up and realize I will never hear her laugh, see her smile, listen to her beautiful singing voice or feel the undeniable faith that she had.
I have moments of extreme anger and guilt towards her for dying and leaving this earth. I want to call her and share with her my day and listen about her. I want her to stand with me when I find a man I want to marry, share in her's and my childrens accomplishments and watch them grow up together. I want her here during my darkest moments and me with her. A piece of my heart will always be missing since it went to heaven with her. I know I will never have anyone in my life like her again and that causes an aching pain that rarely goes away. But I know that in the end, I was blessed to have her in my life and how she opened my eyes to so many things and loved me unconditionally as I did her.
Rest In Peace my dearest Ishka Lanae. You are and will always be dearly missed. I am looking forward to the day when you meet me at the Heavenly Gate with your arms opened with your beautiful smile saying "Welcome Home". (August 3, 1977-October 16, 2010)
This last year has been a extremely rough one. Realizing that my marriage was failing, a separation, divorce, being on my own for the first time in my life, dating, taking care of my kids and losing my closest and dearest friend has taken an extreme toll on me mentally and emotionally. I have tried to keep myself busy so I don't dwell on things that I can't change and look forward to the new path that is lying before me has been hard. I joined the local community theater in February, 2010 as an extra in a musical and then came back in the fall as a stage manager for this season. It has helped to keep me focused on something other than my life but eventually the emotional toll was affecting my relationships with family and friends.
My biggest struggle was accepting the fact that my closest friend, Ishka, ended her battle with bi-polar. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The emotions that I went through that day were so intense and painful. We had known each other for over 20 years and had become almost inseparable in the last three and half. It's kinda funny how people are in and out of your life as acquaintances and then you realize how much you have in common and become like sisters in matter of minutes.
Ishka, her husband and three children moved into the house on the opposite corner of the block my husband, children and I lived on. After a couple of months of them living there and our kids playing together at my house, I went down to talk to her. She was the same friendly girl I had known in school; kind, giving and beautiful. (I was always envious of her outer and inner beauty) What was only going to be a thirty minute conversation ended up being an all afternoon and eventually a barbecue with all our children and husbands. Within a few short weeks we were together every day. We told stories of our children and our married lives and she told me about her diagnosis and struggle with bi-polar. Things started making sense in why her children would tell me that she was sick or sleeping and why they played at my house everyday. I evenutally saw how bi-polar affected her and her family and how hard it was for her doctors to keep her on the right medications to control it. I felt such compassion towards her and became one of the few people in her life that was understanding and there for her. There were days when I became frustrated and annoyed with her "moods" and wanted to just break off our friendship but we had become so close and I loved her like she was my sister. The memories I have of her are imprinted in my mind and in my heart and I will treasure them for the rest of my life.
The day of her death is one I will never forget. I had began dating a man, Casey, a few months before and he had gotten to know her along with some of his friends. He had heard what happened before I did and called me with the news. At first I didn't believe it and thought he was playing a very cruel joke, but after a phone call to her sister I knew it was true. I speed through town to get to the hospital hoping in the back of my mind she would be okay but knowing she was already gone. When I got there, her sister was in the lobby with the rest of her family and I completely lost it. This woman, who was one of the closest people to me, who had been with me to support and love me for the last few years was gone. She had finally reached the point that she felt she was nothing more than a burden to her family and loved ones and wanted to give them the peace she thought they needed. To say I completely understand why she took her life would be a lie. In my rational mind I did, but as a mother, a friend and someone without bi-polar I couldn't. The pain and emptiness I feel will never compare to that of her husband and children. There isn't a day, a moment, a song, a scent or a sound that doesn't make me think of her. The dreams I have make me think that it is nothing more than a dream, but then I wake up and realize I will never hear her laugh, see her smile, listen to her beautiful singing voice or feel the undeniable faith that she had.
I have moments of extreme anger and guilt towards her for dying and leaving this earth. I want to call her and share with her my day and listen about her. I want her to stand with me when I find a man I want to marry, share in her's and my childrens accomplishments and watch them grow up together. I want her here during my darkest moments and me with her. A piece of my heart will always be missing since it went to heaven with her. I know I will never have anyone in my life like her again and that causes an aching pain that rarely goes away. But I know that in the end, I was blessed to have her in my life and how she opened my eyes to so many things and loved me unconditionally as I did her.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
A New Chapter
I have always been interested in writing, loved it in school, but never really knew what I could do with it. I always had wonderful ideas floating in my head I just couldn't ever get it from my thoughts down on paper. While I was in high school, I took many classes on learning how to use programs on a computer but never the internet. Internet wasn't a huge thing then as it is now. Over the last few years I have heard of people writing blogs about their lives, interests and exciting things. I recently was able to keep up in the life a girl I went to school with while her husband, herself and her children were missionaries in Albania. Eventually her husband took over the blog when she was diagnosed with cancer and sadly lost her battle. I realized how much both of them had touched me through their words and so many more people around the world.
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